Chapter 10

… Ianto let himself into his flat and sat down quietly on the sofa, resting his head back and closing his eyes, sighing discreetly so as not to wake his temporary lodger. It was the middle of the night and Ianto was exhausted, emotionally and physically. Yet another day had gone by with no sign from Jack.

He felt the tears welling up behind his eyes and gritted his teeth against it. He’d already fought the battle with himself to stop pining over the Captain. Whilst he may have kissed him in front of the team, he’d never been what you could call ‘reliable’.

Captain Jack Harkness was a law unto himself. He did what he wanted, he had who he wanted and he didn’t much care for the consequences. Too many times had Ianto turned up for work in the morning and found Jack cleaning up after the night before, smiling roguishly at him as he tried to help, his clothes smelling of someone else, after shave or perfume clinging to him sickeningly. Little did Jack know that every lipstick stained wineglass shredded Ianto’s insides as if the glass had splintered as he drank.

Still, whenever Jack had asked him to stay late, he hadn’t hesitated, knowing that it wouldn’t be paperwork they were doing. As soon as the others had left and Ianto walked into the office, he found Jack being his usual, charming self, all compliments and sweet-talk. Every single time, Ianto fell into his metaphorical arms, losing himself with one kiss from the Captain’s skilled lips, no matter how insincere it was.

There had been several occasions when it hadn’t just been sex. It had been something more than that, emotional and tender. Jack was capable of love in those rare moments and that love was directed at Ianto. It was all he'd needed to justify being used on all the other occasions. He didn’t care as long as Jack needed him in some way. He didn’t care about the other part-time shags… Or did he?

The sound of footsteps jerked him back to the present, his head snapping up and eyes opening automatically to find the concerned face of Thomas Greene. Ianto had offered the UNIT accountant his spare room for his stay in Cardiff after a mix up in hotel bookings, seeing as none of the others had room. In the past couple of weeks since the other man’s arrival, they’d become good friends, finding alot in common and sharing much the same sense of humour.

“Ianto, are you okay?” Tom sat down on the sofa next to him, pulling the blanket around his shoulders a little tighter. Ianto looked over and smiled weakly.

“I didn’t think it would still be this hard.” Ianto eventually muttered, more to himself than Tom.

“Think that what would be this hard?” Tom’s frown deepened a little as Ianto shook his head and buried it in his hands, sighing heavily. “Tough day? Did something go wrong?”

“No,” Ianto immediately replied, not wanting the obvious seed of worry to sprout any further. “No, it’s just draining, you know?”

Tom nodded and reached a hand out to squeeze Ianto’s shoulder gently, sympathetically. Ianto looked up at that, meeting the other man’s eyes in a sudden fit of recklessness. Tom didn’t flinch away from the gaze and maintained it, his face understanding and calm. Ianto felt a slow spread of warmth in his stomach, a feeling he thought he’d long since passed up on.

Why am I still holding on for him? I loved him, sure… but he cheated, he used me and he didn’t even care… The only time I suffered worse was whilst the half converted cyberwoman manipulated me to get into the Hub. Why am I still holding on for the pain? What could possibly happen to make Jack see me any differently than before? Ianto frowned slightly, accutely aware of Tom’s hand on his shoulder still.

Making up his mind, he leaned forwards slightly and kissed Tom gently, pulling away after no more than a brush of lips on lips. He hesitated for a moment, gauging the other man’s reactions and found the grip still on his shoulder, still comforting and reassuring. He leaned back in again and kissed him properly, a hand coming up to rest of Tom’s face.

He felt Tom release his shoulder and almost broke the kiss before he felt arms around his waist, gently pulling him closer. Ianto didn’t resist at all, feeling safe and comfortable for the first time since Jack had left. He could feel the same spread of warmth in his stomach and realised it was peace, it was happiness and it was thanks to Tom that he was feeling it again …

Ianto forced himself to remember the event in living colour as he walked home, taking deep and calming breaths. He was silently hoping that he would find Tom still asleep on the bed, it would be so much easier without a confrontation that night. However, when he reached his front door and found light spilling out from under it, he realised that it wouldn’t be that simple.

Taking a deep breath, he twisted his key in the lock and walked in. He wasn’t surprised to see Tom on the sofa, holding his dressing gown tight around him, knees tucked up to his chest and his hair scooped back behind his ears. His eyes flicked over to the door as Ianto stepped in and then back to whatever comedy rerun he was watching.

Without a word, Ianto walked into the kitchen area, his eyes never leaving Tom as he made himself a cup of coffee. He sat down on the stool at the breakfast bar that separated the kitchen area from the living area and started to drink, eyes flicking between the TV and the silent man, his nerves cooling a little as the silence carried on.

“Were you at the Hub?” Tom asked quietly, flicking the TV off and continuing to watch the blank screen.

“Yup.” Ianto replied, not wanting to beat around the bush. Tom turned to look at him, his expression unreadable. There was nothing but a faint trace of sadness there.

"Were you with Jack?” His voice was quiet still, hitting Ianto hard as he pronounced each syllable.

“Yes, I was.” Ianto looked away, taking another mouthful of his drink. When he looked up, he found Tom padding across the room to sit on the opposite side of the breakfast bar. Ianto watched as he sat down, pulling his robe around him again as if in a bid for safety or comfort. “I had to talk to him. There’s things about why he went and what happened that I wanted to know. He’s different, not his old self… And I can’t decide whether it’s an improvement or not.”

“I don’t care why you went, Ianto.” Tom looked up, his eyes showing a little more betrayal. “I care what happened.”

“We sat in his office and we talked.” Ianto said curtly, finishing his coffee off before placing the mug on the counter and meeting Tom’s eyes properly. Whilst he wasn't lying to him, he wasn't telling him the whole truth... it was getting harder and harder for Ianto to be able to confess, but he forced hismelf to keep face.

“And that’s all you did? Just talked?” Tom’s words were scathing, but Ianto nodded in reply. Tom shook his head in disbelief and looked away, his voice going quiet again. “Then why do you smell like him?”

“I what?” Ianto was taken aback, not seeing that one coming. “I smell like him?”

“Yeah, you smell like him… Like some strange aftershave and whiskey. It’s not you, it’s not what you smell like…” Tom trailed off, suddenly realising how childish he must’ve sounded. Ianto looked away, his stomach twisting in knots.

“We were in his office for a long time, of course I’d end up smelling like him…” Ianto attempted to explain, knowing how feeble it sounded. “And I smell like you first thing in the morning… that’s what’s important.”

“Yeah, I get it.” Tom sighed and stood up, pacing up and down the room a little. “Why don’t we just cut the crap now, Ianto?”

“You really want to know what’s going on?” Ianto scowled slightly, avoiding Tom’s now curious gaze. “I was in love with him, but he cheated, lied and used me without a care. I hated him, but I loved him at the same time, just because of a few rare nights with him.

“Two nights ago, I went to talk to him, I couldn’t sleep and I needed to try and get rid of the thoughts running through my head. We ended up kissing, but he made me stop, told me to come back home and forget about it. Short answer? I couldn’t." Tom had stopped mid pace, looking at Ianto incredulously. Ianto jsut plunged on, afraid to lose his nerve.

“I can’t forget about him, Tom! I just… I can’t be around him and forget about him and everything I felt for him… That’s why I slept with him…” At that, Ianto felt his stomach disappear in a vat of acid, the corrosion eating through him as the guilt stung the edges of the wound. He couldn’t hear Tom pacing anymore, but he couldn’t bring himself to look up.

“You shagged him?” Tom’s voice was a mix of pain, disgust and anger. Ianto just nodded, still not able to look up. “Do I mean that little to you?”

“What?” Ianto’s head flew up, cringing mentally at the look of betrayal on Tom’s face. “No! Everything I’ve ever said to you was the truth, I promise.”

“Everything?” Tom stood looking confused and extremely angry. After several moments of silence, Ianto stood up and walked over to him, stopping a few feet away, meeting his eyes flawlessly. Ianto nodded slowly, standing stock still, not wanting to push anything too far. Tom sighed heavily and rubbed his eyes with his hand. “Ianto, it’s the middle of the night, I can’t do this right now… I’ll sleep in the spare room tonight.”

Tom turned away from him, shuffling off to the room that hadn’t been in use for almost three weeks now. The door closed with sickening finality. Ianto sighed silently and sat down on the sofa. He wasn’t going to be able to sleep, not now. For some reason, he hadn’t expected to feel this hollow, this hurt by the thought of Tom leaving. So, this is what it feels like to be a cheater… he mused silently. This is what it feels like to hurt someone like that. I wonder if Jack ever felt like this?

Growling slightly in annoyance, he pushed Jack from his mind again as he thought about how he could possibly salvage what was going on. On one hand, he wished he could be back at the Hub with Jack, be back lying next to him, in his arms. On the other hand, he wanted to stay with Tom, he wanted to prove that he did love him.

Moving back to London had never been so tempting, but it had never been such a hard decision for him to make. He could hold onto the hope that Jack had given him on his return and risk the pain it would cause himself and Jack when he died or Jack left, or he could stay with the man who’d been there for him at his worst, who could give him a life and perhaps even a family, should they ever decide to do so.

Now is not the time... Now is really not the time... Ianto thought, willing his mind blank of all the thoughts to do with his less than immediat future. It was far too tiring for the middle of the night, they could wait til morning.