Chapter 3

Well, I spend my night times drinking,
You spend your days in bed.
And I guess it’s up to us to choose,
The methods by which we forget.

The afternoon passed easily. No one disturbed Jack and Jack didn’t leave his office. To his intense surprise, his pile of paperwork was largely dented by the time he heard the proximity alarm go off. When he looked at his watch, he realised with a jolt that it was already seven in the evening. The team would be going home.

There was a knock at his door, and without waiting for an invitation, it opened. In the doorway was the last person Jack wanted to talk to. Ianto just watched him with something akin to pity in his eyes, his stance uncomfortable.

“Yes?” Jack’s voice was cold and a little lacking in emotion as he felt the edges of the wound burn a little more, his breath hitching in his throat.

“I could stay and help you with those files if you needed me to, sir. My plans changed.” Ianto looked at him nervously, his eyes bluer than Jack had remembered. A sudden pang of longing made him grip onto the underside of his desk a little harder.

“No, I wouldn’t want you to keep Tom waiting. Got something nice planned?” Ianto swallowed audibly at Jack’s words and stepped into the room, closing the door behind him and standing behind the guest chair.

“Jack, don’t do this.” Ianto bit his lip as he watched Jack. This was precisely what he didn’t want to happen. Jack was going to be hard about Tom, he could sense it. He’d sensed it the moment he’d said no to staying late after work.

“Do what, Ianto?” Jack looked away, staring moodily at a spot to the side of the desk.

“This!” Ianto said in exasperation, casting his eyes around briefly before letting his shoulders slump a little and sitting down in the seat, sighing heavily.

“I’m not doing anything, Ianto.” Jack forced himself to look up, a little alarmed at the regret in the young man’s eyes.

“Yes you are.” Ianto suddenly seemed tired as he shook his head gently. “I didn’t know if you were coming back to us. I was distraught and we got talking and things just went from there… I never meant it to happen.”

“How long have you been together?” Jack asked quietly, scared of the answer, scared of finding out anything else. He still felt that he’d wake up any minute and find that he’d never left his team.

“A couple of weeks. He’s only here for a couple more anyway… but he’s staying with me whilst he’s here to save the money on a hotel.” Ianto sat back and watched Jack intently.

“Is it something that’s going to carry on?” Jack managed to meet his eyes, unable to keep his hurt out of his own gaze. Ianto shifted uncomfortably.

“I doubt it. He lives in London and neither of us exactly get holiday time.” Ianto shrugged slightly and looked away.

“If it made you happy, you could have as much as you needed.” Jack’s reply was quiet, taking Ianto by surprise. He looked back at his captain, frowning slightly. “Does he make you happy, Ianto?”

“Yes.” Ianto had thought for a long time before answering, noting the pain in Jack’s eyes as he spoke. Ianto felt the needed to explain himself. “It’s safe with Tom. He’s always there at the end of the day, he’s always there first thing in the morning. I don’t have to constantly worry about whether he’s bored of me or not.”

“I never got bored of you, Ianto.” Jack couldn’t look at him, every word Ianto said ripping into him like a knife, forcing the air from his lungs again.

“But you never told me that! We were never anything more than a convenience, Jack. At least, we weren’t for you.” Jack looked up again, sharply, at the young man’s words. He found Ianto’s eyes shining as he looked away, his jaw clenched as if fighting back tears. “I was in love with you, Jack, but you never wanted more than an after-hours shag.” The silence that followed yawned deeply between them.

“You loved me? Past tense?” Jack asked quietly, taking a moment to digest and comprehend Ianto’s words. They still didn’t completely sink in. Ianto just sighed heavily again and rubbed his eyes. After a moment, he stood up and walked a few steps away before turning around to answer.

“No.” Unsure which question he'd answered, Jack looked up again, accidentally allowing hope to blossom in his mind. “But that doesn’t mean I’m going to let you hurt me anymore. I’m sorry, Jack. I’m sorry for doing this, but I don’t think I could handle the pain of you leaving again.”

Jack jumped to his feet and lurched forwards, desperately grabbing Ianto around the wrist and pulling him around to face him, searching his face for some sign that he was bluffing.

“Ianto, please… Don’t give up on me.” Jack sought the young man’s eyes, but Ianto just shook his head and pulled himself free.

Jack felt a crushing weight hit him as the hope died completely, the small spark of comfort following Ianto out of his office and out of the Hub. It was all the captain could do to stop himself collapsing under the strength and viciousness of his emotions.

Without a second thought to the proximity alarm that had just ended, Jack grabbed a bottle of whiskey from his drinks cabinet. He climbed down into his bunker and kicked his shoes off, sitting down on his camp bed. He took a moment then to stare at the amber liquid before twisting the lid off and tilting his head and the bottle back, pouring a large amount into his mouth and swallowing with a gasp and a hiss.

Soon, the bottle was empty and Jack’s senses were numbed enough for him to lie down, curled on his side and facing the wall. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, trying to send his body to sleep limb by limb. However, before he’d even reached his knees, he was thinking about Ianto, remembering all the small things that he loved so much about the Welshman. He gripped his sides tightly and squeezed his eyes shut, angling his face into the pillow. Gasping for air, he forgot about the tears coursing over his cheeks.

A hundred metres above Jack, Ianto was walking slowly across the plass, hands shoved into his coat pockets and his face turned down, silently thanking whatever God there was that it was already dark. He didn’t want the nosey residents of Cardiff seeing him cry.

He hadn’t expected to feel so torn up over Jack. He’d convinced himself weeks ago that Jack wasn’t worth getting this hung up over, right after he’d kissed Tom for the first time. It had been hard, but somehow he’d managed to move past what was holding him back. He’d buried it so deep that he’d almost forgotten it.

He shoved the thoughts from his head as he climbed into his car, needing to concentrate on the road in front of him. He barely noticed the ten minute drive to his flat, but when he arrived, he hurried to get inside and upstairs to Tom.

The minute he walked in the door, Tom knew something was wrong. He’d been lounging on the sofa and looked over as he heard the door open and shut. The sight of Ianto staring into space, cheeks streaked with tears and a heart breaking expression in his eyes made him jump up and rush over, taking Ianto’s face in his hands and looking deep into it in concern.

“Ianto, are you okay?” Ianto blinked a couple of times and managed to focus on Tom, eyes recognising him eventually. He nodded slowly before looking back at the floor, concentrating on breathing steadily and not on the sensation of writhing worms in his stomach. He felt strong arms wrap around him and slowly, wearily, he relaxed into them, returning the embrace and sighing as he rested his forehead on the familiar shoulder.

“Have you eaten?” He murmured eventually, his voice muffled by the wool of Tom’s jumper.

“I just ordered a takeout, it’s on it’s way. Should be here in twenty minutes.” Tom pulled away and removed Ianto’s coat and suit jacket before guiding him over to the large, deep sofa and pulling him down. They lay together, Ianto’s head on Tom’s chest, Tom stroking his back gently, knowing that Ianto was anything but okay.

Tom held him close and pressed the occasional kiss to the top of the Welshman’s head, feeling almost completely helpless. Ianto had never really explained his relationship with the captain, but it didn’t take a genius to know that they were more than boss and employee. He almost decided to ask Ianto, but the young man just lay there, trying to ignore the part of his mind that was whispering to him: It should be Jack’s arms around you, keeping you safe… It should be Jack…